when i was 7 i had a 4×4 woven blanket,
i’d always had it.
baby pink and blue and yellow and green
it disappeared into the washer one day

when i was 17 i found my blanket
folded on a pile of other old things
i thought were gone forever

i carried it into my first dorm room
into my second dorm room
and my third
on a trip to austin, texas
to every room i made mine

i’m working on loving it
to the last string


quiet intimacy

sometime after my 13th birthday but
before my 14th
i rode double on a bike to my town’s best park
and sucked my first dick in the dark under a tree
we weren’t good at communicating yet so
his cum fell in my hair and mouth
i spit it out
and cried

my parents never talked to me about sex
they yelled at me for being alone with a boy
they grounded me for hiding him in my garage
or bedroom or attic or basement

sometime after my 15th birthday but
before my 16th
i lay double under a blanket on my front porch’s bench
and decided to stop pretending to fuck
we knew by then how to communicate but not like this so
he fumbled and squirmed and gave up
dry humped
and i cried

my friends and i always talked about sex
we assumed i’d be the first to have it
i told them about all my escapades in my garage
or bedroom or attic or basement

sometime after my 17th birthday but
before my 18th
i waited alone on my boyfriend’s bed
and he walked to get condoms
we had done everything but this so
it was awkward and a little painful
i bled
and didn’t cry


when i was a teenager i would
stay up inadvisably late every day of the week
stir together sugar and butter and cream cheese
or flour, oil, cocoa, sugar and milk
little bowls of brownie batter and frosting just for me
i broke my heart on bagels and chili with chips
alone in my room in the almost dark
my lamp had four bulbs but just one working
i lived with spoons for company in a nest of dirty laundry
until the drawer downstairs had no utensils
and it took me too long to dress in the morning

i’m on the cusp of growing up now
but when i spend nights in my childhood home
my shoe footed or sock footed or bare footed feet pad into the kitchen
to dip a series of spoons into hot fudge and peanut butter,
string endless episodes of anything until i can’t see,
curled up on couches under whatever is closest
i don’t sleep in my old bedroom anymore